Picky = a bad thing?

I was reading through a random magazine at work the other day when I came across an article. It was about how picky women are nowadays. I can completely relate to this..I've had my fair share of suitors the past few years. Some I've dated, some I've kinda thrown under the bridge (to put it bluntly). I always felt bad when I ended a relationship or decided not to give a guy a chance. But my logic was this: if I didn't feel a "spark," then what was the point? Why should I pretend to have feelings for someone? I would cowardly make up an excuse and say that I just wanted to be friends (which was always true in most cases).

I thought being picky was doing me a favor. Leading me to (or back to) the right guy for me. But accordingly to this article, being picky is being selfish. Being picky is not giving a guy a chance. Being picky is downright unfair. Okay, maybe it is all three of those things. But whoever wrote this article basically said if you keep being picky throughout life, you might pass up the opportunity to be with someone really great. Which entirely may be true too. But the way she wrote it was like being alone was worse than finding the time to find someone perfect for you.

I've never been afraid of being alone and doing my own thing. And after reading the article, I felt angered. Why should we settle? If we clearly don't want to be with someone, we shouldn't. Plain and simple. Why is being so alone so scary to people? This author was in her middle 40s and still single and she said over the years she had passed guys up and now she's upset she didn't give them a chance. Stop crying about your past, lady. Pull it together.

It makes me so mad when girls feel the need to have a boyfriend just because. I don't know if it's for the status or if it's for the comfort of having someone. This author is one of those people. I realize she's older and is still alone, but no one should have to settle for someone they're not truly into, no matter what age they are.

What do you all think?

Plunge.

So I was sitting in my advertising class today and our advisor unknowingly sparked a thought in my head to write about what he talked about in class. It wasn't really anything to do about advertising and the campaign we are composing, but rather, dating.

I've noticed I write a lot about this topic and the ups and downs of it, so why not go for another blog entry about it? Like my advisor said today, dating is NOT what it used to be back in the day.

He was saying how a guy had to muster up his courage and take the plunge to get a girl's number. Nowadays, boys don't really do that (and neither do girls). We now find someone we're interested in, keep it on the DL, scope them creepily on Facebook, hang out in a group setting a couple of times before something just naturally develops.

When did we all become such wimps? Like in a previous post of mine, I blame technology. As much as I love it and am incredibly being a hypocrite typing this (considering blogs are a newer technology..as well as my laptop), technology has undoubtedly done us some bad. I don't mean to be cynical, but really. We're all too scared to call someone new up and ask what they're doing. Instead, we resort to texting and Facebook chatting. Even when you're in the stage of hanging out with someone new, you do that too. It's almost as if you have more of a relationship with your phone/computer than that actual someone. How sad.

So, instead of taking the plunge and diving into the water headfirst, my advisor came up with the clever analogy (as you may have noticed, I am a sucker for analogies) that we now test the waters - we slowly dip our toes into the water to see how it feels. To see if it's worth trying. To see if we can ultimately get in the water.

I almost wish I lived back before computers and cell phones were invented so I could see what it was really like to have an actual, face-to-face relationship. Instead, I'm going to continue to get closer to my electronics than a guy. How romantic.

Breakable.

We're not made of marble. We're not cold. We're not strong.

We're all a little fragile. Weak. Breakable.

As much as we don't want to admit it, we are all breakable. Things usually don't go the way we want them too many of the time. Things happen that make us want to break down. People make their way out of our lives and we have to carry on without them.

One of my friends just got back from Australia, after spending 5 amazing, remarkable months of her life. The best of her life. And now, she is back to the ordinary, hustle-bustle life of a normal college student. Naturally, she isn't taking it well, and who can blame her? You live in a country you might possibly might never go back to, go on numerous adventures, meet people you might possibly never see again. It's difficult to be strong after such a life-changing experience that you will never have again.

My other friend told me today, she hasn't cried to just cry in over a year. I told her I couldn't remember the last time I did either (despite when United Airlines lost my luggage in Colorado a couple of weeks ago). I honestly don't consider myself a "crier" but I do go through points in my life when that's all I want to do, but I don't let myself. I keep pushing forward, keep telling myself things will be okay, keep myself busy - so I don't have to think about whatever it is that's bothering me.

So my question to all of you is: what makes us breakable? What makes us strong to hold in our tears? Is holding back strong? Or is it being afraid to be breakable? Do we not want others to see us at our weakest?

My opinion - we're all a little breakable, whether we show it or not. We all experience pain, sadness, guilt, regret. But I'm not really talking about feeling these. The point of this post is to get you to think about what action you take from feeling those emotions.

So we're breakable. But that doesn't mean you have to let it consume your life. We can feel what we want to feel but there comes a point where you just need to put it to the side and close that chapter of your life. We can silently promise ourselves that we're going to move on. We can open our eyes and see the bigger picture. DO SOMETHING about your breakable-ness.

Live for today. Not for yesterday. Not for tomorrow. Live in the moment and realize someone could be in the same position as you. Someone could have it worse. That person that decided to not be in your life or won't give you the time of day - it's their loss.

So something in your life has shattered. It has made you breakable. But my advice is this: rise to the occasion and instead of moping around the broken pieces, pick them up. Throw them in the trash. And never look back. You have better things to look forward to.

Bittersweet.

Ah, back to the C-U today. My other home. About a week ago, I wanted nothing to do with Champaign. I wanted to stay home as long as possible. But after watching friends from home go back to school, I realized I really can't wait to get back.

This past semester was brutal on my academic and social lives and even though I know this semester will be just as hectic, I have a feeling I'll have a little more time for myself (at least I hope). I am ecstatic to spend more time with my friends (especially the ones that are graduating...sad).

I've always noticed leaving home to go back to school is such a bittersweet feeling. You're happy to be leaving, starting fresh - the beginning of a new semester. You're happy to get away from the stresses and rules of the home life. You're happy just to be on your own again. But, at the same time, you're sad to leave your family behind, who you probably won't see for a couple months. You're sad to leave those friends from home and only keep in touch with them via Facebook and phone, which is nothing in comparison to hanging out with them. You're sad to leave your pets, who love you unconditionally no matter what. You're sad to actually leave your room that reminds you every time you walk into it of all your childhood and high school years.

Pulling out of the driveway is always the worst. That's when all the memories I made that weekend/month/break come rushing back to me and play like a movie in fast forward mode. I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness, but immediately shake it away. I have even better things coming.

That's when we're on the homestretch to Champaign, just pulling off the Market Street exit. That's when the feelings of familiarity, comfort, and happiness come flooding back. My home away from home. The place where I've met people who will be my friends for life. The place where I really grew up and became an individual.

The drive from Grayslake to Champaign is bittersweet. But then the bigger picture comes into play - mostly everything is bittersweet.

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

Bittersweet.

Maybe

I don't want to be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go

Ah, the lyrics to one of my current favorite songs by Ingrid Michaelson. Funny and ironic how it fits my life perfectly right now.

Many of us have already experienced our "first love." Some of us are still with that person. Some are completely over and moved on from that person. Or maybe, some of us are still lingering around the idea of that person and holding on for some reason.

I can't really say where I stand with mine. We're still friends, still talk every so often. I know our feelings will always be there - but is it the right thing to hold on? We've had several talks about getting back together, but there just hasn't been a right time. I thought holding myself off from other guys would get me closer to him. But I was wrong. It's just hopeless to think something's going to happen when in reality, there's a huge possibility it won't.

So now? "The only way to really know is to really let it go." We're in this life to find our significant other, no matter what age we are. I've noticed in college, that seems to be the least of people's worries. And honestly, it wasn't one of the things I was striving for the past couple of years, which is why I've been single. I wanted to focus on school, meeting people, making friends, making money to support myself. I had no time for a guy.

And I know I've said this in previous posts, but I think I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate to find that special someone. But if someone happens to come around, I'm not going to think twice and wave the idea away. I'm going to open myself up and take it for what it is. And if it happens to be that first love, I will forget all of the bad things that happened with us in the past and start the relationship fresh from the start. But if it's someone else, I won't think "what if?" about my first love. I will give that boy my all and see where it takes us.

This life is definitely a mystery, as is the person you will be with the next few years or forever. Maybe, just maybe, he or she is standing right in front of you. Maybe.

Where is today's youth?

I visited my grade school today with my pledge daughter, Katy(who actually happened to go to the same school - small world!). I went to St. Gilbert from kindergarten to 8th grade. Let's just say, we were pretty sheltered, but I liked it. I had a graduating class of 56 and despite even that small number, we had cliques. But nevertheless, we were our own little family.

It was definitely hard moving on to a huge public school. I had amazing memories in high school, don't get me wrong, but St. Gilbert...my ROOTS are there. I am still in contact with handfuls of people I went to school with there, and 3 of them still remain my best friends to this day. I am very thankful to have had the experience at St. Gilbert, which was COMPLETELY different from that of a public school. We ate lunch in our classrooms, said prayers at the beginning and end of every day, went to church every Friday morning, wore heinous uniforms...but I look back on those years with such fondness and happiness.

I was always on the high honors - it didn't really take much to be on it. But as I conversed with one of my 8th grade teachers, Mrs. Karrigan, today, I asked her about the kids of St. Gilbert today. How much are they different? She said they have less motivation, don't really care much about school, she thinks a lot of the parents do their kids' homework. How sad...

I then noticed the honor roll tacked to a bulletin board outside her classroom. There was ONE person under high honors. And only about FIVE under honors. What?! I remember when I was there, about 30 of the 56 people in my class were on the honor roll. What is going on!?

I'm no expert. I'm no scientist. So I can't really say. But I have a feeling it has to do with technology. Back when I was in grade school, the internet was just emerging and the days of instant messaging were becoming apparent. No one had cell phones. Only the really rich kids had game systems. Now, I look at my young cousins and other young children who have cell phones, laptops, game systems. Today's youth is becoming immersed into technology, which seemingly doesn't look like a good thing.

Let's hope this isn't a trend...

Blessed

This whole being thankful thing is a bit late, considering Thanksgiving was almost 2 months ago. But I realized it doesn't have to be Thanksgiving to open your heart and be thankful for something.

I've kinda been going over my life the past few days. I have hit rock bottom (or what it seemed to me) a handful of times, but none of those times even compared to what some other people have had to go through. I'm so blessed to have gone through those fights, heartbreaks, disease, and hard times. Because in reality, as soon as they pass, they seem so trivial.

I've had a pretty great life thus far and I can't be thankful enough. I've been blessed with an amazing, supportive family. I had to watch my mother go through breast cancer, but with time, she came out stronger than ever before. This is only one of the many reasons she remains my hero to this day. I know people always say "I have the best friends ever!" but no, I really, really do. I've been blessed incredibly with solid, different groups of friends, that have all left footprints in my life and changed me in more ways than one.

My career is one thing I can be extremely thankful and proud of. My whole education has been an accomplishment and I still have to pinch myself sometimes to remind myself I go to U of I. I feel so lucky to go there. And I can't believe I almost went to Nebraska - how much would my life be different right now? Dang. And all the jobs I've had...from being a pool attendant to a waitress to a swim instructor to an account executive for Campus Special this summer. It seems everything I've worked so hard for all came together.

I hate to boast, but I'm finally at a point where I really love everything and everyone in my life. There's hasn't been a significant amount of times since I've been alive where I've really sat back, acknowledged my situation, and smiled. Life keeps winding around and around and it's hard to really realize the great things in life.

This past semester was a hard one for me and I will admit, I was in a dark place for awhile. But that time has passed and I couldn't be happier. Whenever you're having a bad day, just think that things really could be worse. It's not the end of the world. It might be a really, really bad day. But lift yourself up, take a deep breath, and smile to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself things will get better. Because they will. They always do.

Loved and Lost

Just when you think you know exactly what you want, life has a funny way of turning your world upside down to see just how much you can handle. Currently? I'm at that point.

I've been single almost 3 years (officially in April). Not that I'm complaining at all. Most of the reason I've been alone has been my own choice. I've had my picks and chooses, but I've never really acted on anything the past couple of years. I couldn't really even tell you why. Maybe it's because the last time I was really in love, I was hurt, even though I did the breaking up. It took me months to get over and I don't know if those feelings officially went away. Or maybe it's because I wanted to enjoy my college years without any drama, fights, jealousy, or commitment.

I've come to a point in my life where I'm ready to open my heart again. After all, how much can a person really want to be alone? I'm 21 and although that may seem young to some, it also signifies I turn 22 this year...which is old. My mom is constantly asked by my family and her friends if I'm dating anyone. My mom proudly answers "No. And I hope it stays that way." She probably thinks I'm staying out of trouble by being single, which may in fact be entirely true. But what my mom doesn't know is that being single for so long can also be incredibly lonely.

I had boyfriends all through high school, which could also be why I like being on my own and doing my own thing nowadays. I'm an independent young woman (ew..I don't like calling myself a woman..AT ALL. But moving on.) and I'm proud of the fact I don't need a guy to control my happiness. But I've gone through the highs and lows of dating in college (if you want to call it that) and hooking up..and the routine has seemingly become redundant.

I thought I knew what I wanted. But then this whole break, someone had been staring me smack dab in the face and I thoughtlessly pushed the idea away, thinking nothing would ever come of it. Too much complication. Too much friendship. Too much miscommunication. Too much. What was I thinking? I realized last night that not every relationship is perfect and I keep thinking the next one I enter will be. How is that even realistic? My feelings the past week have been on a teeter totter, weighing my options, and deciding which action to take.

I finally made a decision late last night. But unfortunately, it seems I was too late. I'm incredibly disappointed about the whole situation and really wish I went about things a lot differently. But I keep replaying that one quote in my head I heard years back, telling myself things are going to be okay:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

Who Knew?

Who knew that such a beautiful place could be so depressing? About an hour ago, I went with my sister to visit my grandma in the assisted living home we put her in 3 days ago. It was the first time I was seeing her actually there and among the other residents. I helped move all her belongings in the other day, but this was the first time I was actually visiting her.

My heart sank when I saw her. She was at one of the many kitchen tables with other elderly women (who looked so sad and helpless). She was sipping on her broccoli cheddar soup and my sister and I patted her on the back to say hi. We brought our puppy, Scooter, along too and he jumped up next to her chair, so excited to see her. I looked into my grandma's eyes and began searching for any sort of remembrance of my sister and me. Her eyes were blank and she smiled bleakly. I'm almost positive she had no idea who we were. My sister and I went to put some newspapers in her room and sat down on her bed for a minute or two.

"She has no idea who we are," I said.
"Exactly what I was going to say," Kerri agreed.

We sat there in silence and then decided to go back to the kitchen area. The workers there were so nice and caring and said hello to Kerri and me. We made small talk but then decided to leave. I felt bad, because I guiltily thought we should stay there longer, sit with my grandma, and talk with her.

But the problem with my grandma is she's nearly deaf and she just really doesn't talk at all anymore. So had Kerri and I stayed there, we would have just been sitting there as we watched her eat. And truth be told, I really didn't want to do that, looking around at all the other sick and elderly people.

I wish you all could see this beautiful home. It's still all decorated for Christmas and you just get a sense of comfort and warmth when you walk in the door. However, upon walking in and seeing all the people living there, your positive feelings dissipate and you just feel so sad. It tears at my heart. I hope this doesn't affect the number of times I go there because I still want to be there for my grandma as much as possible, but I don't know how strong I am to keep walking in that door, with those completely different emotions flooding through me.