Loved and Lost

Just when you think you know exactly what you want, life has a funny way of turning your world upside down to see just how much you can handle. Currently? I'm at that point.

I've been single almost 3 years (officially in April). Not that I'm complaining at all. Most of the reason I've been alone has been my own choice. I've had my picks and chooses, but I've never really acted on anything the past couple of years. I couldn't really even tell you why. Maybe it's because the last time I was really in love, I was hurt, even though I did the breaking up. It took me months to get over and I don't know if those feelings officially went away. Or maybe it's because I wanted to enjoy my college years without any drama, fights, jealousy, or commitment.

I've come to a point in my life where I'm ready to open my heart again. After all, how much can a person really want to be alone? I'm 21 and although that may seem young to some, it also signifies I turn 22 this year...which is old. My mom is constantly asked by my family and her friends if I'm dating anyone. My mom proudly answers "No. And I hope it stays that way." She probably thinks I'm staying out of trouble by being single, which may in fact be entirely true. But what my mom doesn't know is that being single for so long can also be incredibly lonely.

I had boyfriends all through high school, which could also be why I like being on my own and doing my own thing nowadays. I'm an independent young woman (ew..I don't like calling myself a woman..AT ALL. But moving on.) and I'm proud of the fact I don't need a guy to control my happiness. But I've gone through the highs and lows of dating in college (if you want to call it that) and hooking up..and the routine has seemingly become redundant.

I thought I knew what I wanted. But then this whole break, someone had been staring me smack dab in the face and I thoughtlessly pushed the idea away, thinking nothing would ever come of it. Too much complication. Too much friendship. Too much miscommunication. Too much. What was I thinking? I realized last night that not every relationship is perfect and I keep thinking the next one I enter will be. How is that even realistic? My feelings the past week have been on a teeter totter, weighing my options, and deciding which action to take.

I finally made a decision late last night. But unfortunately, it seems I was too late. I'm incredibly disappointed about the whole situation and really wish I went about things a lot differently. But I keep replaying that one quote in my head I heard years back, telling myself things are going to be okay:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."