Who Knew?

Who knew that such a beautiful place could be so depressing? About an hour ago, I went with my sister to visit my grandma in the assisted living home we put her in 3 days ago. It was the first time I was seeing her actually there and among the other residents. I helped move all her belongings in the other day, but this was the first time I was actually visiting her.

My heart sank when I saw her. She was at one of the many kitchen tables with other elderly women (who looked so sad and helpless). She was sipping on her broccoli cheddar soup and my sister and I patted her on the back to say hi. We brought our puppy, Scooter, along too and he jumped up next to her chair, so excited to see her. I looked into my grandma's eyes and began searching for any sort of remembrance of my sister and me. Her eyes were blank and she smiled bleakly. I'm almost positive she had no idea who we were. My sister and I went to put some newspapers in her room and sat down on her bed for a minute or two.

"She has no idea who we are," I said.
"Exactly what I was going to say," Kerri agreed.

We sat there in silence and then decided to go back to the kitchen area. The workers there were so nice and caring and said hello to Kerri and me. We made small talk but then decided to leave. I felt bad, because I guiltily thought we should stay there longer, sit with my grandma, and talk with her.

But the problem with my grandma is she's nearly deaf and she just really doesn't talk at all anymore. So had Kerri and I stayed there, we would have just been sitting there as we watched her eat. And truth be told, I really didn't want to do that, looking around at all the other sick and elderly people.

I wish you all could see this beautiful home. It's still all decorated for Christmas and you just get a sense of comfort and warmth when you walk in the door. However, upon walking in and seeing all the people living there, your positive feelings dissipate and you just feel so sad. It tears at my heart. I hope this doesn't affect the number of times I go there because I still want to be there for my grandma as much as possible, but I don't know how strong I am to keep walking in that door, with those completely different emotions flooding through me.