Wanting What We Can't Have.

"As a rule, man's a fool. When it's hot, he wants it cool. When it's cool, he wants it hot, always wanting what is not." –Nat King Cole

Our lives are characterized by the ability to get what we want, and the inability to want what we have. It is characterized by discontentment.

So what gives? Why are we never happy with what we have? I think it has to do specifically with our generation. Gen Y, as we're known to marketers, is all about instant gratification. We not only want what we don't have, but we want it NOW.

I undoubtedly fit this stereotype. I keep wanting what I don't have. But usually, if I work hard enough, I will get what I want. I can still remember when the iPod arrived on the market - everyone was talking about it and I started noticing that one by one, my friends started getting their own personal iPod. I was jealous. Here I was, with my ordinary, bulky CD player that I had to shamefully carry around with me. I dealt with it for weeks..months..until finally I said enough was enough. I asked for the iPod that Christmas and told my parents I didn't care if I get anything else, as long as I got the iPod. Lucky me, I got the iPod plus more. I was thrilled. But as I got accustomed to the device, it lost its desirability and sleekness. It was just a routine part of my life to listen the iPod. It had lost its glamour.

I think this logic can also be applied to individuals and relationships. Let's be honest - we all love the chase. The whole playing hard to get thing. I'm not sure if it's the thrill or if it just goes along with wanting what we can't have. So what if the chase becomes a catch? Do you lose interest? Or what about if you're chasing someone you can't have? That sure flips the table around. Is it because the person is unattainable that it makes them so attractive? Why do I keep constantly seeing guys chase after girls with boyfriends and girls chase after guys with girlfriends? It has to be about that instant gratification. We want it, we crave it - but the fact we can't reach it makes us want it that much more. It doesn't really make any sense to me when I really think about it, but when I apply the idea to material items and relationships, it clicks.

So what? What does this all mean? It's not like this is a ground-breaking theory; there is plenty of research and history behind it. But personally, I think this is all saying we are greedy. We're never fully happy. We keep wanting, whether it be more money, more popularity, more material things, more passion, more living in our lives. We want what we can't have but we don't want what we have. Everything we have gets pushed away into the back of our minds. You have the ability to get what you want. You probably have everything you need to be completely satisfied. Do you also have the ability to want what you've got?

I guess what I'm saying is okay, we're never going to fully stop wanting. But all I know is that I need to realize what I do have and be thankful for it all. We can be greedy, but we also need to be grateful.

Curve Ball

When we least expect it, life sets up a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change.
-Paul Coelho

My challenge: Overcoming a relationship I finally realized I would never get back.

It finally occurred to me that after months (even years) of us going back and forth, always wondering if we’d ever get back together, that we never really would. By the time I really ended things, I was finally ready. It was the last straw. I was sick of beating around the bush, the stringing along, and the false promises.

My next challenge: Actually believing there are decent guys in the world.

Girls grow up thinking fairytales are actually true – that the prince in shining armor will fight dragons, cross deserts, and ultimately come rescue you (ha, I rhymed). Even modern day movies exemplify this notion with the overly-romantic man realizing in the end he would move mountains to be with the one he loved. We soon come to realize that the Disney fairytales and modern fairytales are nothing but a lie and the reality of it all presents itself: those men do not exist.

This was my logic the past three years. I honestly thought that there really were not decent guys out there, and if there were, they were already taken. I forced myself to believe that if a guy was being nice to me, he wanted one thing (and I think we can all use conductive reasoning and realize what I’m talking about). So when my now-boyfriend was being the nice guy that he is, I didn’t believe it. I thought he was honestly pulling my leg.

How sad is it that we get accustomed to guys (and girls) treating us like the gum squashed beneath a shoe, that when a genuine, honest person comes along, we’re hesitant to believe it all?

My willingness to change:
I had to change my perception and thinking. If I hadn’t, I would have pushed Anthony away, never giving him a chance. And even more unfortunate, I would never have been able to experience just how great of a guy he is.

Life pitches that curve ball and throws it straight at us. We have two options: test our courage and swing, or stand back cowardly and not swing, not knowing what could have happened. I almost didn’t swing, but I did and I don’t regret it for a second.

Comfort Zone

I don't know, but I always get caught up in it. The texts, the phone calls, the lies, the broken promises. At this point, I don't know whether to admit to it because I'm still in love with him or if it's simply because I'm stupid.

Or both.

Because of all this, I've held myself back from everything and everyone else on this campus and in my life. I thought I was basically saving myself to be with someone great in the end. But what's the point, when in reality, you don't know the end result? I can't keep thinking that he'll magically appear on a white horse and whisk me off my feet. That's never going to happen. Maybe down the road, he'll pick himself up and realize his faults and come to me in his own way. I can only hope.

I want to believe everything he says and everything he does. But that's just being foolish. So I stepped out of my comfort zone, my safety net, and told him I just need to be left alone for awhile. I need to gather myself, my thoughts, and act on the things I haven't been doing the past years.

The comfort zone is safe, warm, and well, comforting. But I don't want that. I want unexpected, spontaneous, fun. I've been going over my head what's wrong with guys, when in actuality, the problem has been me all along.

Picky = a bad thing?

I was reading through a random magazine at work the other day when I came across an article. It was about how picky women are nowadays. I can completely relate to this..I've had my fair share of suitors the past few years. Some I've dated, some I've kinda thrown under the bridge (to put it bluntly). I always felt bad when I ended a relationship or decided not to give a guy a chance. But my logic was this: if I didn't feel a "spark," then what was the point? Why should I pretend to have feelings for someone? I would cowardly make up an excuse and say that I just wanted to be friends (which was always true in most cases).

I thought being picky was doing me a favor. Leading me to (or back to) the right guy for me. But accordingly to this article, being picky is being selfish. Being picky is not giving a guy a chance. Being picky is downright unfair. Okay, maybe it is all three of those things. But whoever wrote this article basically said if you keep being picky throughout life, you might pass up the opportunity to be with someone really great. Which entirely may be true too. But the way she wrote it was like being alone was worse than finding the time to find someone perfect for you.

I've never been afraid of being alone and doing my own thing. And after reading the article, I felt angered. Why should we settle? If we clearly don't want to be with someone, we shouldn't. Plain and simple. Why is being so alone so scary to people? This author was in her middle 40s and still single and she said over the years she had passed guys up and now she's upset she didn't give them a chance. Stop crying about your past, lady. Pull it together.

It makes me so mad when girls feel the need to have a boyfriend just because. I don't know if it's for the status or if it's for the comfort of having someone. This author is one of those people. I realize she's older and is still alone, but no one should have to settle for someone they're not truly into, no matter what age they are.

What do you all think?

Plunge.

So I was sitting in my advertising class today and our advisor unknowingly sparked a thought in my head to write about what he talked about in class. It wasn't really anything to do about advertising and the campaign we are composing, but rather, dating.

I've noticed I write a lot about this topic and the ups and downs of it, so why not go for another blog entry about it? Like my advisor said today, dating is NOT what it used to be back in the day.

He was saying how a guy had to muster up his courage and take the plunge to get a girl's number. Nowadays, boys don't really do that (and neither do girls). We now find someone we're interested in, keep it on the DL, scope them creepily on Facebook, hang out in a group setting a couple of times before something just naturally develops.

When did we all become such wimps? Like in a previous post of mine, I blame technology. As much as I love it and am incredibly being a hypocrite typing this (considering blogs are a newer technology..as well as my laptop), technology has undoubtedly done us some bad. I don't mean to be cynical, but really. We're all too scared to call someone new up and ask what they're doing. Instead, we resort to texting and Facebook chatting. Even when you're in the stage of hanging out with someone new, you do that too. It's almost as if you have more of a relationship with your phone/computer than that actual someone. How sad.

So, instead of taking the plunge and diving into the water headfirst, my advisor came up with the clever analogy (as you may have noticed, I am a sucker for analogies) that we now test the waters - we slowly dip our toes into the water to see how it feels. To see if it's worth trying. To see if we can ultimately get in the water.

I almost wish I lived back before computers and cell phones were invented so I could see what it was really like to have an actual, face-to-face relationship. Instead, I'm going to continue to get closer to my electronics than a guy. How romantic.

Breakable.

We're not made of marble. We're not cold. We're not strong.

We're all a little fragile. Weak. Breakable.

As much as we don't want to admit it, we are all breakable. Things usually don't go the way we want them too many of the time. Things happen that make us want to break down. People make their way out of our lives and we have to carry on without them.

One of my friends just got back from Australia, after spending 5 amazing, remarkable months of her life. The best of her life. And now, she is back to the ordinary, hustle-bustle life of a normal college student. Naturally, she isn't taking it well, and who can blame her? You live in a country you might possibly might never go back to, go on numerous adventures, meet people you might possibly never see again. It's difficult to be strong after such a life-changing experience that you will never have again.

My other friend told me today, she hasn't cried to just cry in over a year. I told her I couldn't remember the last time I did either (despite when United Airlines lost my luggage in Colorado a couple of weeks ago). I honestly don't consider myself a "crier" but I do go through points in my life when that's all I want to do, but I don't let myself. I keep pushing forward, keep telling myself things will be okay, keep myself busy - so I don't have to think about whatever it is that's bothering me.

So my question to all of you is: what makes us breakable? What makes us strong to hold in our tears? Is holding back strong? Or is it being afraid to be breakable? Do we not want others to see us at our weakest?

My opinion - we're all a little breakable, whether we show it or not. We all experience pain, sadness, guilt, regret. But I'm not really talking about feeling these. The point of this post is to get you to think about what action you take from feeling those emotions.

So we're breakable. But that doesn't mean you have to let it consume your life. We can feel what we want to feel but there comes a point where you just need to put it to the side and close that chapter of your life. We can silently promise ourselves that we're going to move on. We can open our eyes and see the bigger picture. DO SOMETHING about your breakable-ness.

Live for today. Not for yesterday. Not for tomorrow. Live in the moment and realize someone could be in the same position as you. Someone could have it worse. That person that decided to not be in your life or won't give you the time of day - it's their loss.

So something in your life has shattered. It has made you breakable. But my advice is this: rise to the occasion and instead of moping around the broken pieces, pick them up. Throw them in the trash. And never look back. You have better things to look forward to.

Bittersweet.

Ah, back to the C-U today. My other home. About a week ago, I wanted nothing to do with Champaign. I wanted to stay home as long as possible. But after watching friends from home go back to school, I realized I really can't wait to get back.

This past semester was brutal on my academic and social lives and even though I know this semester will be just as hectic, I have a feeling I'll have a little more time for myself (at least I hope). I am ecstatic to spend more time with my friends (especially the ones that are graduating...sad).

I've always noticed leaving home to go back to school is such a bittersweet feeling. You're happy to be leaving, starting fresh - the beginning of a new semester. You're happy to get away from the stresses and rules of the home life. You're happy just to be on your own again. But, at the same time, you're sad to leave your family behind, who you probably won't see for a couple months. You're sad to leave those friends from home and only keep in touch with them via Facebook and phone, which is nothing in comparison to hanging out with them. You're sad to leave your pets, who love you unconditionally no matter what. You're sad to actually leave your room that reminds you every time you walk into it of all your childhood and high school years.

Pulling out of the driveway is always the worst. That's when all the memories I made that weekend/month/break come rushing back to me and play like a movie in fast forward mode. I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness, but immediately shake it away. I have even better things coming.

That's when we're on the homestretch to Champaign, just pulling off the Market Street exit. That's when the feelings of familiarity, comfort, and happiness come flooding back. My home away from home. The place where I've met people who will be my friends for life. The place where I really grew up and became an individual.

The drive from Grayslake to Champaign is bittersweet. But then the bigger picture comes into play - mostly everything is bittersweet.

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

Bittersweet.

Maybe

I don't want to be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go

Ah, the lyrics to one of my current favorite songs by Ingrid Michaelson. Funny and ironic how it fits my life perfectly right now.

Many of us have already experienced our "first love." Some of us are still with that person. Some are completely over and moved on from that person. Or maybe, some of us are still lingering around the idea of that person and holding on for some reason.

I can't really say where I stand with mine. We're still friends, still talk every so often. I know our feelings will always be there - but is it the right thing to hold on? We've had several talks about getting back together, but there just hasn't been a right time. I thought holding myself off from other guys would get me closer to him. But I was wrong. It's just hopeless to think something's going to happen when in reality, there's a huge possibility it won't.

So now? "The only way to really know is to really let it go." We're in this life to find our significant other, no matter what age we are. I've noticed in college, that seems to be the least of people's worries. And honestly, it wasn't one of the things I was striving for the past couple of years, which is why I've been single. I wanted to focus on school, meeting people, making friends, making money to support myself. I had no time for a guy.

And I know I've said this in previous posts, but I think I'm ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate to find that special someone. But if someone happens to come around, I'm not going to think twice and wave the idea away. I'm going to open myself up and take it for what it is. And if it happens to be that first love, I will forget all of the bad things that happened with us in the past and start the relationship fresh from the start. But if it's someone else, I won't think "what if?" about my first love. I will give that boy my all and see where it takes us.

This life is definitely a mystery, as is the person you will be with the next few years or forever. Maybe, just maybe, he or she is standing right in front of you. Maybe.

Where is today's youth?

I visited my grade school today with my pledge daughter, Katy(who actually happened to go to the same school - small world!). I went to St. Gilbert from kindergarten to 8th grade. Let's just say, we were pretty sheltered, but I liked it. I had a graduating class of 56 and despite even that small number, we had cliques. But nevertheless, we were our own little family.

It was definitely hard moving on to a huge public school. I had amazing memories in high school, don't get me wrong, but St. Gilbert...my ROOTS are there. I am still in contact with handfuls of people I went to school with there, and 3 of them still remain my best friends to this day. I am very thankful to have had the experience at St. Gilbert, which was COMPLETELY different from that of a public school. We ate lunch in our classrooms, said prayers at the beginning and end of every day, went to church every Friday morning, wore heinous uniforms...but I look back on those years with such fondness and happiness.

I was always on the high honors - it didn't really take much to be on it. But as I conversed with one of my 8th grade teachers, Mrs. Karrigan, today, I asked her about the kids of St. Gilbert today. How much are they different? She said they have less motivation, don't really care much about school, she thinks a lot of the parents do their kids' homework. How sad...

I then noticed the honor roll tacked to a bulletin board outside her classroom. There was ONE person under high honors. And only about FIVE under honors. What?! I remember when I was there, about 30 of the 56 people in my class were on the honor roll. What is going on!?

I'm no expert. I'm no scientist. So I can't really say. But I have a feeling it has to do with technology. Back when I was in grade school, the internet was just emerging and the days of instant messaging were becoming apparent. No one had cell phones. Only the really rich kids had game systems. Now, I look at my young cousins and other young children who have cell phones, laptops, game systems. Today's youth is becoming immersed into technology, which seemingly doesn't look like a good thing.

Let's hope this isn't a trend...

Blessed

This whole being thankful thing is a bit late, considering Thanksgiving was almost 2 months ago. But I realized it doesn't have to be Thanksgiving to open your heart and be thankful for something.

I've kinda been going over my life the past few days. I have hit rock bottom (or what it seemed to me) a handful of times, but none of those times even compared to what some other people have had to go through. I'm so blessed to have gone through those fights, heartbreaks, disease, and hard times. Because in reality, as soon as they pass, they seem so trivial.

I've had a pretty great life thus far and I can't be thankful enough. I've been blessed with an amazing, supportive family. I had to watch my mother go through breast cancer, but with time, she came out stronger than ever before. This is only one of the many reasons she remains my hero to this day. I know people always say "I have the best friends ever!" but no, I really, really do. I've been blessed incredibly with solid, different groups of friends, that have all left footprints in my life and changed me in more ways than one.

My career is one thing I can be extremely thankful and proud of. My whole education has been an accomplishment and I still have to pinch myself sometimes to remind myself I go to U of I. I feel so lucky to go there. And I can't believe I almost went to Nebraska - how much would my life be different right now? Dang. And all the jobs I've had...from being a pool attendant to a waitress to a swim instructor to an account executive for Campus Special this summer. It seems everything I've worked so hard for all came together.

I hate to boast, but I'm finally at a point where I really love everything and everyone in my life. There's hasn't been a significant amount of times since I've been alive where I've really sat back, acknowledged my situation, and smiled. Life keeps winding around and around and it's hard to really realize the great things in life.

This past semester was a hard one for me and I will admit, I was in a dark place for awhile. But that time has passed and I couldn't be happier. Whenever you're having a bad day, just think that things really could be worse. It's not the end of the world. It might be a really, really bad day. But lift yourself up, take a deep breath, and smile to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself things will get better. Because they will. They always do.