The Show Goes On

I'm an official alumnus from the University of Illinois as of May 14, 2011. Um, what? Where has the time gone? As I sat in my seat during commencement, I rewound all the memories over the past four years and wondered how it all led to that day. I reminsced my accomplishments, the nights out with my friends, the long days and nights of studying, the sporting events, and in entirety, my college experience.

Many don't know that I fought my way to U of I. My dad was pretty adamant about me attending the community college near my house. I knew that route wasn't for me so I went behind his back, accepted to U of I, and paid my deposit for the dorm. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy when he found out. But thanks to my Mom, she decided to help me with my college loans and from there, the rest is history.

I arrived as a freshman more excited than I had ever been. It was my time to shine, my time to succeed, my time to discover myself and the path I would take to the future. The thing I wanted to do the rest of my life turned out to be not for me. I waved good-bye to journalism and embraced advertising. Never would I have thought the field would make as much of an impact on my life that it has. I've found my calling (or so I think).

The last four years have been a whirlwind full of laughter, tears, stress, smiles, and bittersweet memories (that may or may not be remembered). I just can't believe it's all over. The last week, I was praying Ashton Kutcher would just pop out and yell, "You just got PUNKed!" Too bad this is real life.

The future is hazy. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now it's all a little confusing, frustrating, and scary. I really don't know where to go from here and I certainly don't know how to feel at this crossroad in my life. But I know I'm not alone. Some of us are moving halfway across the country to follow our dreams. Some of us are starting our first job - maybe our dream job, maybe one we've settled for. Some of us are preparing for even more school ahead. Some of us are just crusing through this thing we call life until we figure out what the hell we want.

I learned a lot at U of I, in and out of the classroom. But the most profound thing I learned there was to truly follow your dreams. Don't pick the job you know you won't like just because it pays more. Don't listen to anyone but yourself. Don't ever settle for anything. Do what you want and do what makes you happy.

I will admit I cried during my graduation. I couldn't help it. I've followed my dreams thus far - hit some bumps along the road and maybe didn't always get what I want - but the point is I've aimed high and succeeded and that is something I can be proud of. U of I not only gave me that confidence, but gave me the best of friends.

You all know who you are. As cliche as it all sounds, I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not met each and every one of you that remain dear to my heart. You each made my experience at college so unique, exhiliarating, and memorable. I cannot thank you enough. And it saddens me to know that many of the people that have touched my life, I won't be seeing on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. It could be a yearly basis now, if not ever again.

So here I am. An alumnus of U of I. Not really sure what my future holds. Not really sure where my path will take me. Not really sure what I want. All I know is I'm going to keep taking deep breaths, knowing that everything will happen the way it is supposed to. Because after all, as Lupe Fiasco would say it, "the show goes on."

With deep breaths and wonder,

A Little About Me.

"Who are you?"

I’m Kelly Nash. My name just kinda flows, so most people always refer to me as “KellyNash” as if my name is just one word. Feel free to call me that (or any of my other nicknames: Kel, KellyBelly, KayNay, K-Nash, K-Nashty; they could literally go on forever).

I’m known for my sappy comments (people love to make fun of me for this), my clumsiness (I trip over everything), my blondness (even though I’m not a real blonde), laughing at my own jokes (when no one else thinks they’re funny), and being born with 11 fingers and 11 toes (yes, this is true).

Over the years, I’ve realized a few valuable things about myself. I can be negative at times, but I have a positive outlook on life. I can be selfish about what I want to do and what I want, but I will always put others before myself. I sometimes feel like I’m not good enough, but I will always stand up for myself and for what I believe in. I fight with my dad the most out of anyone in this world, but that’s only because he and I are exactly alike. I guard my heart and am afraid of getting hurt, but I will open up when I think the time is right. I sometimes have the worst luck, but then my lucky moments make me appreciate every moment I do have.

I picked up “Green Eggs and Ham” by Dr. Seuss and read it cover to cover before I turned 3 years old. I decided in just the 5th grade that I was going to write a book someday and even then began scribbling down ideas to get started. By the 7th grade, I already knew I was going to push to go away to college; where I would actually go didn’t present itself until my senior year of high school. My freshman year at the University of Illinois was when I decided to become an advertising major, even though I knew absolutely nothing about it; my sophomore year, I realized I was destined for the field. It was also my sophomore year that I decided to sit down, exert my emotions, and dive into writing an actual book that I hope to get published in the near future. Now, it's the end of my senior year and in just a few short weeks, I will begin my journey of ‘big girl’ world.

Needless to say, if you were to ask me what one word I would choose to describe myself, I would tell you that I am determined.

I’m determined to set myself apart from the crowd. I’m a leader, not a follower. I like to scare myself a little and push myself to limits I didn’t think I could do.

I’m determined to make a difference. I know I can’t make a dent in the problems of this world, but I can make a dent in the lives of my family and friends. I put my all into spending time with my family and being there for my friends.

I’m determined to live life to the fullest. I treasure each moment and try to go above and beyond with the experiences I have. I also want to explore the world and break free of my comfort zone.

I’m determined to see beauty in the simple things: a smile from a stranger, a clear blue sky, a run where you feel nothing can stop you, that connection you get when you’re with all your closest friends in a room, giving up your seat for an elderly person, a kiss from a loved one, a handwritten letter, a phone call just to say hi, a shoulder to cry on, an embrace from someone you haven’t seen for months, lighting candles, giving and receiving flowers, buying someone dinner when they don’t expect it, and most importantly, being vulnerable and opening your heart.
Nothing is guaranteed, so I cherish every breath, every laugh, every hug, and every experience I have. And the motto that gets me through this thing called life? Everything happens for a reason.

A College Thunderstorm

You know all the excitement and fascination that occurs right before a really big storm? I love that feeling. It wasn't any different all day today. Weather statements were given hours before the "big storm" arrived. I kept taking glimpses out the window to see the changing sky as it turned from sunny, to cloudy, to dark gray, to dark black. Then, a tornado warning was issued. It didn't phase me. I don't think it phased the campus at all. I stood on the balcony on my apartment, watching people go about their day as if there were no warning at all. I just wanted to see the storm begin.

I noticed the sky seemed to get as dark as it could be within seconds. Everything was at a standstill. There was no wind, no birds chirping. Then, out of nowhere, it happened. The winds picked up as Mother Nature huffed and puffed throughout campus. The rain swirled with the wind and I was then forced to go back inside. As I watched as the storm gained momentum and it began lightning and thundering, I suddenly got scared.

This has sort of been a constant occurrence, ever since I saw my first tornado in the summer of 1999 as my family and I were driving downstate Illinois. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. But still, I always get a bit excited when I hear there's a big storm coming; this feeling continues, until I really see the damage of the storm and how strong it really is.

My last month of college relates to all of this. This whole year, I've been a little anxious to graduate and experience this thing they call the 'real world.' I've heard it's not so bad, but then again, I've also had people to stay in college as long as I can. Either way, I've been excited to see what is to come. The beginning of the storm.

Then, the storm finally came. This past week, it really hit me. Hit me with ominous clouds, drenching rains, and thunder that made me just want to crawl in my bed for hours. I'm done with college in less than a month. Almost 3 weeks. What? What do I do? Stay strong and stay excited? Brave the storm? Or grab my umbrella, take cover, and hope the storm never comes?

Unfortunately, a storm never stops. It doesn't just dissipate into thin air. It continues on its way until it hits. I've realized I'm not escaping graduation, nor is the time approaching slowing down. What's a girl to do?

With storms and reality,

U of I = My "Vienna."

‎Slow down you crazy child,
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart tell me why.
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day.

I was walking to class with my iPod on shuffle this afternoon and Billy Joel's "Vienna" came on. I honestly wasn't even sure what song it was at first so I curiously looked down to see. I for some reason continued listening, not knowing when I even downloaded the song. I started really paying attention to the lyrics; it was almost as if Mr. Joel himself was singing directly to me.

This semester in a nutshell describes the first verse of the song. My life has been a whirlwind. I always pictured my last semester consisting of blow off classes, day drinking, exercising every day to get in shape for graduation and summer, as well as going out as many nights as I could. However, that is far from the truth. Instead, I devoted my time to my 12 hours of class that turned out to be more busy work and attendance taking, my 20 something hours of work a week, as well as over 35 hours a week to the National Student Advertising Competition (NSAC). Some other fellow seniors probably think I'm crazy. They're probably thinking why I would voluntarily give up sleep, work instead of play, and sacrifice nights of going out to help create an advertising campaign.

But that's okay. Because I know when I look back on my last semester of college, I'll actually remember everything (okay, most of it). I'll actually have something to show and put on my resume. I'll actually be proud of something. I'll actually be proud of myself.

Back to Joel's lyrics. I've been burnt out many a times. But I also live by the quote "Better to burn out than fade away." I've learned the past four years at the University of Illinois to take every opportunity that presents itself. My motto has always been the cliche "work hard, play hard." This is a motto the industry I am going into lives by. I just figured, might as well get in the habit. I've learned that this University offers so much and so many don't take advantage of it. There is still so much more I want to do on and off this campus before I graduate, but I know that is not even physically possible. But I can still look back at my four years and smile and know that I have no regrets. I accomplished just about everything I wanted to here.

Even though I have accomplished so much, I often wonder, why am I still scared? I'm scared of the real world and all that it encompasses - the first 'real' job, real relationship commitment, the first move to my own place. I'm not lying when I say the future looks a little daunting. But I know, just like I realized my first day of college, I'll be fine. I'll figure it out.

With burn outs and accomplishments,

Live A Little.

All my life, my father has drilled the fact in my head that I should save my money. Save it for my student loans (that are currently looming and begin this November). Save it for a new car I will eventually need. Save it for my future. Save it...simply to save. Maybe I'm just naive and too focused on life to save my money. But is that so wrong?

I see life as a short opportunity. An opportunity where you learn, grow, and experience. Why should money get in the way of that? Ever since I can remember, I've realized that when I want something, I go and get it. I don't listen to anyone; I don't listen to rationale, advice, anything. I listen only to myself and what I want to do. And maybe that's wrong. And maybe that's why I sometimes get into trouble. Maybe that's why sometimes I feel a little lost. But frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I figure, it's my life and I'll do what I want with it.

Case in point - spring break vacation. My parents warned me I probably shouldn't be going on vacation. "You can't afford it. "You should save your money." "Just because you're getting a tax refund doesn't mean you should spend it." "Don't forget about those student loans.." Okay, I get all of that. And maybe I should be a little more responsible when it comes to money. But do any of you feel like you just want to experience the world? Live a little on the wild side? Take the chance and worry about the consequences later? That's how I feel.

I randomly went on a whim last night and impulsively bought plane tickets to Puerto Rico, as well as a hotel room for 4 nights for my spring break with one of my best friends. Smart? Maybe not. Awesome? I think so.

When will I ever have this opportunity again? Let's face it, this is my last spring break, as it is for many of you. This is the last time we can actually be a little irresponsible and worry about the consequences later. I like to think of myself as completely driven, responsible, and rational. And this is a vacation I need. A vacation where I can just relax, explore, and actually BREATHE. And you know what? I deserve it. And I can't wait.

With irresponsibility,

Spring.

The temperature is finally above freezing. The sun is finally happily shining. The birds are finally chirping. And the snow is finally starting to melt.

I cannot tell you how happy I was when I walked outside this morning to discover all of this the other day. This past winter has been remarkably brutal. I remember the first time it snowed back in December; everyone was so excited, especially to have a white Christmas. But now that the nostalgia of the pretty, falling snow has subsided, I know see the snow as unpredictably annoying and just plain ugly as it lies in heaps on the sides of the street. Oh, and have I mentioned that every time I have walked outside my apartment the past two weeks, I've prayed that I would not fall on the ice that coats every side walk on this campus, fearing for the sake of my life?

Needless to say, I am OVER winter. Especially if I can't even snowboard, which is completely impossible in this flatland part of the state. So knowing that spring is on the horizon makes me ecstatic. Spring means baseball season, perfect 60s and 70s weather, long runs outside, chipper birds and curious squirrels, and most importantly, more sun!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love the changing seasons. Winter is not a season I shun, but Mother Nature definitely gave all of us a little bit of a slap this winter with the harsh temperatures, high winds, and mounds of snow. The changing of winter to spring tends to symbolize a lot, especially for us seniors. It's just scary to think that the closer we get to spring, the closer we are to graduating. And that's not something I'm ready for.

With changing emotions,

A little change here, a little change there.

As I sit on my comfy single bed at home looking out at the winter wonderland outside, I can't help but feel a series of different emotions. 2011 so far has been a great year (I just got back from an amazing vacation in Colorado - went snowboarding and visited 4 of my friends). But as I look ahead at my year, I know I am going to face some significant changes in my life.

Half of my Chi Omega pledge class is abroad which is weird in itself and a few of those girls are some of my best friends. What am I going to do without them this semester? When will I even see them next since I'm graduating?

Which brings me to my next point - I'm graduating. I always heard college went "so fast" but never in the world would I have believed that. But now I do. It seems that the past four years have gone by so quickly that all the memories are jumbling up together. It scares the hell out of me that I am done with college in a short 4 1/2 months (not even). However, at the same time, it's exciting. I'll be starting a new chapter - the real world.

I have been actively searching and applying for jobs in different cities all over the U.S. I figure, the real world is scary enough, so why not brave it out in a whole new city where I know relatively no one? I see it as a challenge. Who knows where I'll end up, but wherever I do, I am anxious and excited.

I am back from Colorado, a vacation where I was able to sit back, relax, do something I love (snowboard), and enjoy the time I had with my friends I don't see very often anymore. Now that I'm home and back to reality, I am a bit sad. On the plane home I realized just how much has changed over the years, and just how much is changing as I even type this. But it's time to move on. Keep my chin up. And throw on a smile. Life is short and is constantly changing.

I may have some bittersweet memories occurring in the near future, but I know I am going to cherish every single one of them.

With bittersweet changes,

Saying Good-Bye for Good.

You know the saying, "you live, you learn"?? Well speaking from experience, I lived, and I learned.

Friends, family, acquaintances...they ALL told me to be careful. "He's going to hurt you." "He's a jackass." "He screwed you over once; he'll do it again." "Don't trust him."

So what did I do? I didn't listen. I figured, this is my choice. It's my life. I knew I was putting myself in a vulnerable position, but I just had to know if there was a second chance for us, especially after all the years that had passed and we still had something there. Little did I know, it was a one-sided street. I actually don't know to this day if he truly meant everything he said, but my assumption is going to go with, I HIGHLY doubt it. Actions will always speak louder than words. I noticed certain actions that just weren't normal through our second-run of a relationship (if you want to call it that). I kept ignoring them though, because I was constantly reminding myself of all the good memories we had together. Those always canceled out the bad.

Well, long story short, I learned enough was enough. I finally put my foot down when I realized I really wasn't happy. How can a person be happy when you barely even talk to the person throughout the week and your relationship is basically a secret? No thanks. I'm not one to stay in a relationship just because I want a boyfriend. If you're not happy, GET OUT. And that's just what I did.

I learned today that the person that had a hold of my heart for a long six years has a new official girlfriend, just three weeks after us breaking up. Well, good for him. I'm not bitter. I lived. And I learned. I have no regrets because I learned we will never have a relationship - or friendship for that matter - in this lifetime. I've learned he's no good for me and I can do better. I've learned from my mistakes and am moving in a new direction.

It's weird that trials like these make you realize certain things in your life and how they put you into a new perspective. I'm doing just fine. I will be fine. I'm saying good-bye for good and will never look back.

With no regrets,

Forgetting the Things We Love.

Okay, so I've been back and forth whether to start up this blog. I even switched over to Tumblr but quickly lost interest because I realized I was more interested in the actual writing, rather than posting pictures and videos (which the majority of Tumblr users do). Anyways, so here we go again. Let's see how long this lasts.

I've been thinking this whole day how I have relatively nothing due this week for school. For the first time in weeks. I do still have commitments here and there throughout the next two weeks until Thanksgiving break, but nothing compared to what they were the whole month of October. I can finally breathe. And let me tell you, it feels good.

So what am I going to do with the free time I didn't have before? Well, I can tell you two things. Two things I've pushed to the back burner because I haven't had the time to do them or haven't made the time to do them.

1) Run. I literally have not thrown on my running shoes for running specifically (and not just for walking to class) in over a month and a half. What?! That doesn't seem like me. I'm not a crazy-avid runner by any means, but I do enjoy running a few times a week on a normal basis. I've really missed it. The next two weeks, I'm really going to make an effort to get into a routine and start building up my endurance. Even though I have tendinitis in both of my knees, I really don't want that to stop me. I am going to push through. I'm going to bed early tonight so I can get up early and get an early jog in :)

2) Write. I began writing my book over 2 years ago. It's STILL not finished! I keep going back and adding more and editing it because I want to make it the best it can be. I literally have had no time to just sit down and really crank it out either. But now that I have two decently-long breaks on the horizon, I think I can get a lot done. And once I get a full-time job after graduation, I plan to pay to be self-published. I just can't let this book sit on my flash drive for another 2 years, if not more.

Our lives get so hectic, especially when we're balancing a different number of things. When this happens, we sometimes lose sight of what we really love to do. I'm not going to let that happen anymore.

Here's to starting off fresh and bringing back the love I have for running and writing.

With love,

Wanting What We Can't Have.

"As a rule, man's a fool. When it's hot, he wants it cool. When it's cool, he wants it hot, always wanting what is not." –Nat King Cole

Our lives are characterized by the ability to get what we want, and the inability to want what we have. It is characterized by discontentment.

So what gives? Why are we never happy with what we have? I think it has to do specifically with our generation. Gen Y, as we're known to marketers, is all about instant gratification. We not only want what we don't have, but we want it NOW.

I undoubtedly fit this stereotype. I keep wanting what I don't have. But usually, if I work hard enough, I will get what I want. I can still remember when the iPod arrived on the market - everyone was talking about it and I started noticing that one by one, my friends started getting their own personal iPod. I was jealous. Here I was, with my ordinary, bulky CD player that I had to shamefully carry around with me. I dealt with it for weeks..months..until finally I said enough was enough. I asked for the iPod that Christmas and told my parents I didn't care if I get anything else, as long as I got the iPod. Lucky me, I got the iPod plus more. I was thrilled. But as I got accustomed to the device, it lost its desirability and sleekness. It was just a routine part of my life to listen the iPod. It had lost its glamour.

I think this logic can also be applied to individuals and relationships. Let's be honest - we all love the chase. The whole playing hard to get thing. I'm not sure if it's the thrill or if it just goes along with wanting what we can't have. So what if the chase becomes a catch? Do you lose interest? Or what about if you're chasing someone you can't have? That sure flips the table around. Is it because the person is unattainable that it makes them so attractive? Why do I keep constantly seeing guys chase after girls with boyfriends and girls chase after guys with girlfriends? It has to be about that instant gratification. We want it, we crave it - but the fact we can't reach it makes us want it that much more. It doesn't really make any sense to me when I really think about it, but when I apply the idea to material items and relationships, it clicks.

So what? What does this all mean? It's not like this is a ground-breaking theory; there is plenty of research and history behind it. But personally, I think this is all saying we are greedy. We're never fully happy. We keep wanting, whether it be more money, more popularity, more material things, more passion, more living in our lives. We want what we can't have but we don't want what we have. Everything we have gets pushed away into the back of our minds. You have the ability to get what you want. You probably have everything you need to be completely satisfied. Do you also have the ability to want what you've got?

I guess what I'm saying is okay, we're never going to fully stop wanting. But all I know is that I need to realize what I do have and be thankful for it all. We can be greedy, but we also need to be grateful.